time?

how long will it take before the pain finally ebbs away....

the joys and pains of it all..

a dear colleague was lamenting at work today.. saying that another colleague might be pregnant just after getting married in June.

Such is life right?

I told her not to worry as she is still young and still have time to try. Unlike me, whose biological clock is slipping away mercilessly.

most people take 6 months to a year before they conceive. some are luckier and the one-shot-one-kill type.

i started trying after my practicum was over in April 07, got the happy news at the 2nd attempt, lost it 2 months later at 30 June. Since then its been another rollar coaster ride.

Here's a brief summary of it (yes, i do make small notes on the calendar)

After the 1st m/c:
Jul 07 - Rested
Aug 07 - Rested
Sep 07 - Tried (5 days late)
Oct 07 - Tried (6 days late! major false alarm)
Nov 07 - Rested (got pissed)
Dec 07 - Semi-tried (DH got piles, so he needed the rest too)
Jan 08 - Semi-tried (DH taken away for reservist)
Feb 08 - Semi-tried (very tired and busy due to the start of the new term)

After the 2nd m/c
Mar 08 - Tried (happiness.... 2nd BFP... only to lose it again 5 days later)
Apr 08 - Rested
May 08 - Tried
Jun 08 - Tried (caught the big O but still failed)
Jul 08 - Semi-tried (both sick, couldnt detect the big O)
Aug 08 - Tried (caught the big O but still failed)


When I say we "tried", it means actively testing for ovulation using tests strips and trying to time it within the precious "time frame" to let the precious seed be fertilised. after all, the seed only lives for a day or two and so does his soldiers. chances of conception is only about 25% even with the right conditions.

When I say we "semi-tried", its when we are not so conscious of the timing and letting things fall naturally, still within the estimated "peak hours".

When I say we "rest", we really do rest. It means just enjoying each other's company and nothing more.

Alot of ladies were sharing that they conceived the minute they quit their hectic and stressful jobs.. unfortunately I do not have the luxury for that. Who wouldnt want to be stress-free? I still have the bills to pay and years left of bond to serve. I cannot just walk away from it all although thats really what I want.

Some happier news:

maternity leave is now 4 months.
bigger baby bonus
more infant/childcare leave

I would have missed that if beecube had been a success. My beecube would have been about 6 months old now...

no offense to anyone.. but i was just wondering which is the worst..

1) to try without any good news... facing the possiblity of the worst fears of infertility...
2) to try and conceived but fail to carry to full term.. once.. and multiple times..
3) to have conceived and delivered the first time.. and subsequently miscarriage....

there are heaps of ladies griefing over the loss of the 2nd one... but in my heart.. i'm thinking.. at least you know you have a properly functioning body and have successully conceived before.. so take heart...

i guess there is really no "worst" scenarios... ultimately.. its how we put things into perspective and everyone deals with grief differently..

AF just started Mon, 18 Aug.. given my usual 28 day cycle.. the peak is in 14 days time.. which will coincide with my term break. that will be good since we'll be more relaxed... but there's no guarantee since we've also had our "relaxed Dec 07 and June 08"....

*hang in there*

another month of disappointment

had my hopes raised when it was positive on the Ovulation kit. although it came a few days later.

its still not meant to be - yet.

when will it be?

i'm really tired.

That was about all

that i have posted in my website. the entries got fewer and fewer and there were less and less to be really excited about anymore.

a part of me died when beecube gone into heaven..

another massive part of my soul died when my 2nd pregnancy failed .. AGAIN...

i didnt have the strength to write anymore.. it was just too painful.

the 2nd bub came and left swifly by end Mar 08. it was just 5 days after my period was due when the evil spotting came.

this time round, i didnt feel like seeing or hearing anyone pregnant, or visiting any babies in the hospital. the pain was too raw, hurts too deep.

there was bitterness.. there was insane jealousy...

'why me' constantly floods my head..

why did it happen, not once, but twice, to someone who values family, loves babies and wants to start a family badly.

why is it that there are people who smoke and drink themselves to death, had a million abortions and yet still be able to carry their babies to full term??

i dont know how to make this dull, throbbing ache go away...

today was a bad relapse... mebbe tomorrow will be better....

Thursday, 05 June 2008 - Don't say

an article i came across that aptly summarizes my feelings all this while.

Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him.

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want him to be my angel. I wanted him to bury me in my old age.

Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

(i added this)

Don't say, "you're lucky to have been able to conceive". It does not lessen any pain. The pain and fear of not being able to conceive a healthy baby to full term is the same, if not worse than not being able to conceive at all. So please don't judge, please don't compare.

Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

goodbye once more.. my number 2....

Thursday, September 13 2007 - Lingering Pain

lingering pain

my blog entries are getting fewer by the month. not sure why also.

constant fatigue and also not in the mood to blog much.

still feeling sad over the loss of beecube and it is made worse by friends who asked about how the pregnancy is going unknowingly although it is through no fault of their own. it is hard to be reminded of time and time again.

its hard to say "oh, i had a miscarriage".. or "oh.. i lost the baby.. it didnt have a heartbeat". the words just sounded strange coming through my mouth. and u put up a brave front and pretend that it is all ok. it is just a weird feeling to have to go through. although i know they are trying to empathize, but i really dont need any anyone feeling sorry for me. it wasnt my fault, nor bee's fault, some people may not understand that, especially the older ones who instinctly think its becuz the woman had a "weak womb".

so anyhow, i have gotten over it. i really did. but that doesnt mean i still dont feel any pain over it. next week, i'd be going for a course meant for beginning teachers, and i'm sure some of them would have known, and some perhaps not. i guess its good then. i can finally announce it once and for all.

Sunday, July 8 2007 - Healing

sometimes, when everything around u crashes, u are sucked into the deepest end of the black hole. u dont see any light and u doubt u ever will.

but the truth is, u do heal.

of course, the rate at which u do, varies with individual.

a positive mindset and outlook, a loving and supportive spouse, an understanding family, ur personal willpower all come into play.

the pain lessens, with each day.

the first few days were the hardest. u wake up, open ur eyes and wish it was all a dream. i would stone in bed for as long as i needed. it didnt take too long for the crammy feeling in the lower abdomen to remind and pull me back into reality. that it did happen.

instead of avoiding seeing bulging tummies everywhere i go, i embrace the lovely sight and wish them both well silently. instead of flicking to the next channel when "Runway Moms" or "In the womb" are screened, i watched with open-eye curiosity and awe, eyes fixated.

after experiencing this, it made me realise even more how precious life is. that it is extraordinary that we are given the power to create life. that it should never ever be destroyed out of 'convenience'.

i told bee that we should have 3.

3 cats, 3 kids. :)
one big happy family

* * *

been watching korean dvds almost nonstop for the past week.

finished 2 serials, "Wedding" by Jang Nara and "A love to kill" by Rain.

bee bought these dvds for me to kill time. he said "if this guy (Rain) is so popular, his show should not be that bad. although he is so ugly, and cannot sing"... hahah.. that was what i first commented about Rain when i first heard and saw him on tv. First of all, what a name. secondly, he isnt drop dead gorgeous. (mebbe his bod is). third, are u sure he can sing? he does seem to be able to dance quite well though.

but sure enough, after finishing the series, i must conclude that he does act pretty well and does have his boyish charms :)

they're both nice to watch, if u can tahan the typical draggy korean style. the latter was a much faster pace series, but the ending got abit too draggy for me. but nice, nevertheless. i'm always amazed by how easily and effortlessly these korean actresses can cry like a tap.

anyhow, they sure help to kill time and take my mind off things.

looking forward to 2 more he bought, "Full house" and "Prince's first love" or something like that.

* * *

instead of losing weight, think its been status quo, if not more.

with all the delicious confinement food prepared by mom and hubby, how not to grow fat??

bee has been one huge support, lovingly preparing every meal for me whenever he can.

really am so grateful and blessed.

we're having ginseng chicken for dinner tonite.
dun envy me ;)

Sunday, July 1 2007 - In memory

goodbye my little beecube

mommy was never meant to see you
to play with your little fingers and toes
and kiss your little face
hear your infectious laughter
and wipe your smelly bottom

when mommy had spotting on friday morning
she knew something was amiss
she called her gynae right away and was asked to go down at once

mommy prayed hard and hope that little beecube was ok
by noon, the spotting stopped
mommy's hopes were raised

finally 2pm arrived and gynae could see mommy
dr wong couldnt see you as usual as mommy's womb is inverted
she had to see you through an internal scan

dr wong looked worried as there was only a small blob in mommy's sac
my little beecube is only now 5mm
much smaller than you were supposed to be
my beecube's heart wasnt beating

at that moment mommy knew she lost you
her heart was broken and so was daddy's

dr wong was sympathetic and consoled mommy
that it was no one's fault

not mommy's
not daddy's
certainly not beecube's

when beecube develop, many cells divide themselves and do what they are supposed to do
it is a delicate process
and somewhere along that line, things fail to work out

2 weeks ago, we believed we saw what was your heartbeat
we did meet u know, beecube?

mommy took folic acid and hormone pills to support your growth
mommy avoided her favorite sashimi and green tea so that you will grow up healthily
mommy tried to stay happy and relaxed so that you would too
but that wasnt enough to make you stay

my little beecube didnt grow properly so you had to go

by friday evening, mommy started to bleed instead of spot
mommy knew she was losing you

mommy felt slight cramps and backache, as if period came
mommy feel her body rejecting you although it was against her wishes

dr wong scheduled for mommy to go for a D & C (dilation and curettage) aka 'evacuation of the uterus'
to make sure that beecube was cleaned of completely
otherwise it will cause mommy an infection if left inside

mommy was scared and nervous
she has never gone for any operation before, big or small
if it was to make beecube ok, she would go through anything
but it was to take beecube away

mommy would undergo General Anesthetic
which mean mommy would not know a thing, feel a thing

and true enough, mommy just fell into a deep sleep and
woke up hearing her name
and everything was over

mommy told herself to remember as much as she could

mommy was resting on a trolley and asked to move onto the operating bed. there was a hole for mommy's buttocks to be slotted into
and a donut for mommy's head to lie on

big bright operating lights shining above, just like ER on tv

my aesthetician came and tried to find mommy's vein
mommy's hands were too cold and he had a hard time tracking it
he assured me that all will be ok
he gave me some gas to inhale and to make me sleepy
so that the injection would hurt less

the gas smelled nice
mommy was hesitant to inhale it as mommy was fighting to stay conscious
but that would be silly as it would be better for mommy to be unconscious

after a while, mommy decided to inhale big whiffs of it

no effect

few seconds later, mommy's head started to feel numb
her eyelids got heavier and she knew she was going into a deep sleep
the feeling was too sweet and tempting
alluring her to just relax and walk into the deep and quiet cave

it felt good to be sleeping

it really felt just like a sleep

mommy was enjoying the snooze when suddenly she heard the nurse called her name.
mommy's eyes shot open and was expecting the doctors to tell her that they were going to be performing the op soon.

it felt too soon to be over but it was

mommy was out of the operating theatre and was lying back onto the trolley along a corridor

mommy felt warm gushes of blood oozing out from below

mommy knew beecube was gone

mommy was fully conscious. no blurness at all
mommy had no nausea or sickness

nurses remarked how conscious mommy were and looked
some other mommies going through the same procedure woke up vomiting and feeling sick

beecube gave mommy none of that

mommy waited and waited.
for someone to wheel the trolley back into the day surgery room to rest
where all the other mommies were saying goodbye to their babies
this made mommy realized that she wasnt the only one going through this pain

mommy was bleeding alot.
she felt warm gushes flowing out each time she moved.

mommy was wheeled back to the room.
daddy was waiting anxiously outside.
mommy gave daddy a huge smile, as she didnt want him to be worried
mommy felt good really, and not sick at all.

the nurses didnt want mommy to move in case she was giddy
so mommy laid there like a good girl and rested
although she could now no longer fall into a sleep

mommy laid there for 2 hours thinking about beecube

yes, they say mommy and daddy can always try again after 2-3 months. that it wouldnt affect our chances of having a healthy baby the next time round. mommy was relieved hearing that of course. but that would never replace you, beecube.

you were my first and will always be

mommy whispered to daddy that you were gone
daddy gave a sad smile and brought his palm to his heart
and said, 'it will always be here'.
it made mommy cry even more

if it meant nausea and feeling sick all the time, to ensure that beecube would grow up healthily, mommy would take on that anytime.
beecube gave mommy none of that and mommy appreciates it.

beecube, although you were not meant to stay
you taught mommy alot of new things she never knew

you were here to prepare mommy so that she will know how to better take care of herself so that she will be much more prepared to handle your younger sibling.

you were here to prepare mommy's womb to be ready for the next baby, although mommy and daddy would never have wanted to sacrifice you

your daddy loves you very much, and he is also very sad
mommy knows it although he is always the one trying to cheer mommy up. your daddy is the most wonderful man and father i will ever know.

it is a pity you will not get to know him even better. after all, you have only heard his voice and felt his touch when he strokes mommy's tummy.

mommy's tummy is now so much flatter. the bloatedness is gone.
mommy can now wear her regular clothings. it feels weird.
not to feel you in my tummy

mommy miss showing off proudly her round belly.
it feels so empty now.

beecube, mommy will be strong for you and for your little siblings to follow. although mommy is still shedding tears for you, she will be fine.

my little beecube will always remain in mommy's and daddy's hearts.

Sunday, June 24 2007 - What Beecube might look like

Week 7

Wednesday, June 20 2007 - 6 weeks, 5 days

Saturday, June 16 2007 - Meet our Beecube!

*what beecube might look like right now at 6 weeks*
http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/pregnancy/calendar/week/6

so beecube is really only about 4 weeks old. dr wong said that beecube is about 2mm right now. how tiny is that?! so i'm actually 6 weeks pregnant, not 8 weeks as thought previously.

2 weeks ago i was about 54 kg, today i'm 55kg!
so we finally saw something today!!
wot a relief!

compared to 2 weeks ago, there was really nothing.although we did know that it was way too early.

at least we saw the sac today! we saw the gestational sac! see that black hole there? its fluids, also the sac. we couldnt see the sac via the normal tummy scan, as my womb is tilted backwards, there was too much shadows cast, so vaginal scope had to be done.

well, the reason beecube is actually 6 weeks is probably cuz the egg was released much later, so conception was much later than the LMP (last menstrual period).

she pointed the yolk sac and said that there was a faint blinking going, likely to be the heartbeat, but it was not definitive as yet. but dr said it was an encouraging sign. if, at only 4 weeks of age, it was blinking, it really is amazing..

it was really an overwhelming feeling, seeing that light blinking on the screen.. like glowworm glowing in the dark cave. i couldnt tell u how fast my heart was racing.

its really is the beginning of a new, fragile life, created by the two of us.

i'm really touched by bee's enthusiasm along with mine. most of the husbands that i see at the clinic, just look kinda disinterested. i dunno, mebbe they were over the excited phase. but they were just sitting there, looking bored. and the couple dont talk much, just sit and stare into space. quite a few couples i met behaved like that. but we were talking, touching each others' arms.. and we would read baby books together. he would point out certain things to me.. and i feel really happy, that he is just as involved in this pregnancy and i never feel alone in it.

he looks into the type of food and nutrition that i need and say that he will get it for me cuz it will be good for me. i will be more interested in the graphics in the books, like how the tummy changes shape over the months and the giving birth process, cringing at the rude images of a head gorging out from down there.

i'm so glad he's back in sg now and no more sleeping alone, though i could really do with less of his loud snoring :P

when i went to the airport to pick him up last nite, his colleague saw me and immediately pointed at bee and gave me the "thumbs-up" signal. she continue to say that bee was very "ti3 tie1" (aka sweet and considerate) and that he is an excellent husband. heh.. my poor bee turned bright red and his poor ears were bursting with blood gushing upwards. heh.. so proud of u bee. and its so nice to hear compliments of him coming from a third party. :)

oh. forgot to add the goodies i got from him:
2 leather handbags, 1 hello kitty wallet and a pair of shoes. strange no brand sport shoes, but quality just as good as Nike's.

pictures will be up tmr!

Thursday, June 14 2007 - Staying Positive

bee's coming back tmr. i cant wait. its been the most lonely 10 days without him around. i miss him soo much.

in just less than a month, i've heard of 3 miscarriages of their babies within 8-10 weeks. friend's sister, friend's wife.. and a friend i knew through our marriage prep workshop. 2 were missed abortions.

missed abortion is when the fetus has simply stopped growing in the womb and yet to show signs of miscarriage. there need not be any cramping or spotting. my friend's baby stopped growing some time back and her water bag continue to expand and showing signs of pregnancy. it can be 3,4 weeks before the fetus is expelled out of the body naturally, but by then it may be quite dangerous as it may have rotten inside the womb and u may get an infection.

it is unnerving.

such missed abortion are apparently so common, occurring 1 in every 5 pregnancies. why so, i do not know.

you wont have any apparent symptoms. my friend's sister "felt her body changing" when she no longer felt nausea etc. but if ur hormones levels are still high, u can still have all the pregnancy symptoms. for me, i never had any nausea to begin with. not sure if its a good thing or not.

i'm inspired by my friend's optimism. she says its "good fortune". that "this happened now and not later". her gynae assure her that she will likely be pregnant again in the next 6 months, successfully.

our next appointment is this coming sat.

we *should* be able to see the baby's heartbeat by now.

pls pray for beecube.

Saturday, June 09 2007 - Week 5

• First heartbeats begin - If you have an early ultrasound you may not be able to recognize this tiny being as a baby, but there is no mistaking what it feels like seeing your child's heartbeat on that screen. That rhythmic beat is echoed in your own heart.
• Umbilical cord develops - This is your baby's lifeline in utero. It bears the responsibility of pumping in oxygen, removing waste, and supplying the necessary nutrients for the remainder of your pregnancy.
• Blood is now pumping - All four heart chambers are now functioning, insuring your baby's body will receive all it needs over not only the remainder of your pregnancy but throughout life.
• Most other organs begin to develop - Your infant's lungs start to appear, along with her brain. Already your little one is preparing for a quest for lifelong learning!
• Arm and leg buds appear - While they may not appear to be much at this stage it is ok to dream of the future. Just imagine your ballerina twirling and jumping around your kitchen floor. Or perhaps you will have the precocious boy that throws the perfect pitch -- right through the neighbor's window.

beecube is approximately week 5 now :)
still, no morning sickness. pls stay that way!

Wednesday, May 30 2007 - My First Gynae Visit

visited Dr Adelina Wong today at Thomson Medical Centre.she was recommended to me by a friend.

asked around for several recommendations and all were male gynaes and i wasnt sure if i wanted another male poking into my privates, so dr wong was set to go.

she is much prettier in person i must say. her photo on the website does not do her any justice. soft-spoken and sophisticated.

did an ultra-scan but no signs of sac. so dr wong suggested a vagina scan, will be much clearer. still, no signs of sac. it is probably too tiny to be seen on the monitor.

i know its way to early for a gynae visit but u see, my bee is leaving for nanjing on 6-15 june and we're leaving for phuket 17-20 june. that'd be the best time to see one, but it may be too rush and we may not get an appointment. so i just called today to try my luck since we were both free. friday was out as he has to go back to school, then next 4, 5 June i had to go back to nie. so today, in some ways, was the "best date".

so anyway, no signs of it. pretty scary i'd say. bill came to up a whopping $169 for some folic acid and hormones pills. basic consult was $80. so i reckon it also cost for the scans? i cant help but get a nagging feeling that she might have known that the baby sac was too small to be seen but she did it anyway for the $? anyway, i may be reading too much into it and will give her another try. afterall, we met many other expecting mothers and also a tiny newborn in the waiting area. lotsa patients can only be good.

another thing i learnt.reading too much info in the forum may do u no good..
slow growing sac.. no heartbeats.. auto abort...down syndrome.. etc etc.. it just does nothing but freak u out unnecessarily.

i have decided not to let the stress demons overwhelm me and consume me..
one thing's for sure - we're both fertile. we are spared the nightmare of trying for years and see no results. we're spared the IVF.. we have no blocked fallopian tubes nor weak or low sperm count.. we CAN conceive. THAT alone, is enough for us to REJOICE.

nature has its strange ways of ensuring survival. should anything happen.. it may be for a better reason..

another nagging issue to air. i may not want too many people to learn of my pregnancy in future. for some reason, i just told a couple of close friends, but good news has a strange way of spreading. asked an ex-colleague from sac about her gynae, and ended up the whole PE dept congratulating me cuz they were at camp and she unwittingly must be blurted out once she received my sms. and for some reason, another classmate bumped into her and this classmate was with another classmate.. and so the story goes..

it is not that i do not wish for people to know.. it just becomes a little worrisome, should in the event, something unpleasant happens and people do not know of it, and then asked u at the wrong timing.. it is just not a very nice thing to experience...

some people feel that pregnancy can be very "pantung" (superstitious) some women choose not to reveal the status till the first trimester is over as it is still unstable. but for me, it is a happy thing and i want to share my happiness with people around me.. its that euphoria feeling that is exploding within u.. just like those ...

"I'm in love!".. or.. "he proposed!!" .... or "We're getting married!!"...

i've experienced all of the above in just a short span of 3 years since i met bee.. and now.. i wanna shout out to the world...

"we're having a baby!"..

i choose not to be "pantung".

i choose to believe that by telling people, all their congratulatory heartfelt wishes, will be strong and positive emotions.. that will vibrate within me.. and into my baby.. i trust that me and my baby will be safe and fine.. even if it does not happen.. i will not lose hope..

for i know i have a loving, wonderful.. and supportive hubby right beside me.

ps*did i say that being preggy gives u perkier boobs!? ;)my hubby says it doesnt matter to him!! heh.but at the same time, my tummy is bloated like a whale....
oooh.

Tuesday, May 29 2007 - In the next month to come

Week 5

Week 6

Week 7

Week 8

the heart beat starts at week 5.. which will be about anytime now. friends who have gone through it say its still early to see a gynae now. so i shall just be a good girl and take good care of myself while i wait another 2-3 weeks.

no special feelings yet really. just very comforted that there's now 2 of us :) when i walk, i tread with care. no more hopping and bouncing around. i listen to my own body, which means, hit the bed when tired and no more late nights. this is the stage where the baby will be developing most of the crucial organs and stuff.

it certainly is going to be a steep learning process.

here's to summarize what i've learnt so far:

1) yes, u still get ur vaginal discharge during preg
2) minor crampings are fine, muscles stretching due to the heavier uterus
3) you can still take your panadol, but in moderation of course
4) folic acid is good for you. for those who are planning to start a family, take more of that!
5) you tend to pee more, oh hell yes.
6) sense of smell suddenly becomes more acute

still.. no nausea so far...

*chants*
no nausea please....no nausea please....no nausea please....no nausea please....no nausea please....no nausea please....

* * *

hubby has been the sweetest thing so far. in the last 3 days, i got way lot more TLC i ever received since our early dating days :P hee.

we would walk hand in hand.. and bask in the bliss.. i would tell him.. now there's a "third party" between us. hehe.

he makes delicious breakfasts for me.. dinners too.. even before i got pregnant. now at the rate he is intending to stuff me.. i bet i would swell up to a huge ball in no time!

bee is heading for Nanjing with his school from June 6 to June 15, sob. i wish he didnt have to.. oh well.

then in another 2 days, we'd be off to Phuket for our long overdue honeymoon! from June 17-20! heh.. with an extra luggage in the tummy this time round. :)

Monday, May 28 2007 - Amazing Stuff

Week 1

Week 2

Week 3

Week 4

Friday, May 25 2007 - It has been confirmed

*beams**beams**beams**beams**beams*

i am truly blessed :)

*takes deep breath*

i cant wait to embark on the next 9 months of the journey. it will be so darn exciting :) i cant believe i have a thing growing inside of me alive. it just feels so weird.

i am 7 days late. 7 freaking days of frantically checking for signs of red. everything just feels so normal. tender boobs, puffy tummy, all signs of period to come and thankfully, no nausea - yet. i am really praying that i will stay this way throughout the entire term. i cant imagine feeling and being sick for months.

i couldnt take it no more. i had to get it tested.

bought the test kit for the first time in my life and tried it. heart racing as i watch the 2 most wonderful lines intersecting forming the sacred

+

it is the most beautiful symbol so far.
ok now.. so what?? what do i do? what should i do??
i think first of all, i should stop freaking out and get a hold of myself. :)

Why not?

Been wanting to start a proper pregnancy journal (besides my personal password protected website) but never got down to it. There's too much fear holding me back.. million what-ifs ran through my head.. what if the blog could not be continued.. what if there's bad news for the 3rd time... am afraid my frail heart and spirit would not be able to take another blow..

But I have decided to march on.. whatever's meant to be, is meant to be..

I want to remember 2 of my angels who have left me before we could meet.. and hopefully I will be blessed with one living angel (or more!) with me on this earth real soon..

* * *

I will be reposting my older entries from my previous blogsite here as this new blog is dedicated entirely the trials and tribulations of my past and future pregnancies...