Sunday, July 1 2007 - In memory

goodbye my little beecube

mommy was never meant to see you
to play with your little fingers and toes
and kiss your little face
hear your infectious laughter
and wipe your smelly bottom

when mommy had spotting on friday morning
she knew something was amiss
she called her gynae right away and was asked to go down at once

mommy prayed hard and hope that little beecube was ok
by noon, the spotting stopped
mommy's hopes were raised

finally 2pm arrived and gynae could see mommy
dr wong couldnt see you as usual as mommy's womb is inverted
she had to see you through an internal scan

dr wong looked worried as there was only a small blob in mommy's sac
my little beecube is only now 5mm
much smaller than you were supposed to be
my beecube's heart wasnt beating

at that moment mommy knew she lost you
her heart was broken and so was daddy's

dr wong was sympathetic and consoled mommy
that it was no one's fault

not mommy's
not daddy's
certainly not beecube's

when beecube develop, many cells divide themselves and do what they are supposed to do
it is a delicate process
and somewhere along that line, things fail to work out

2 weeks ago, we believed we saw what was your heartbeat
we did meet u know, beecube?

mommy took folic acid and hormone pills to support your growth
mommy avoided her favorite sashimi and green tea so that you will grow up healthily
mommy tried to stay happy and relaxed so that you would too
but that wasnt enough to make you stay

my little beecube didnt grow properly so you had to go

by friday evening, mommy started to bleed instead of spot
mommy knew she was losing you

mommy felt slight cramps and backache, as if period came
mommy feel her body rejecting you although it was against her wishes

dr wong scheduled for mommy to go for a D & C (dilation and curettage) aka 'evacuation of the uterus'
to make sure that beecube was cleaned of completely
otherwise it will cause mommy an infection if left inside

mommy was scared and nervous
she has never gone for any operation before, big or small
if it was to make beecube ok, she would go through anything
but it was to take beecube away

mommy would undergo General Anesthetic
which mean mommy would not know a thing, feel a thing

and true enough, mommy just fell into a deep sleep and
woke up hearing her name
and everything was over

mommy told herself to remember as much as she could

mommy was resting on a trolley and asked to move onto the operating bed. there was a hole for mommy's buttocks to be slotted into
and a donut for mommy's head to lie on

big bright operating lights shining above, just like ER on tv

my aesthetician came and tried to find mommy's vein
mommy's hands were too cold and he had a hard time tracking it
he assured me that all will be ok
he gave me some gas to inhale and to make me sleepy
so that the injection would hurt less

the gas smelled nice
mommy was hesitant to inhale it as mommy was fighting to stay conscious
but that would be silly as it would be better for mommy to be unconscious

after a while, mommy decided to inhale big whiffs of it

no effect

few seconds later, mommy's head started to feel numb
her eyelids got heavier and she knew she was going into a deep sleep
the feeling was too sweet and tempting
alluring her to just relax and walk into the deep and quiet cave

it felt good to be sleeping

it really felt just like a sleep

mommy was enjoying the snooze when suddenly she heard the nurse called her name.
mommy's eyes shot open and was expecting the doctors to tell her that they were going to be performing the op soon.

it felt too soon to be over but it was

mommy was out of the operating theatre and was lying back onto the trolley along a corridor

mommy felt warm gushes of blood oozing out from below

mommy knew beecube was gone

mommy was fully conscious. no blurness at all
mommy had no nausea or sickness

nurses remarked how conscious mommy were and looked
some other mommies going through the same procedure woke up vomiting and feeling sick

beecube gave mommy none of that

mommy waited and waited.
for someone to wheel the trolley back into the day surgery room to rest
where all the other mommies were saying goodbye to their babies
this made mommy realized that she wasnt the only one going through this pain

mommy was bleeding alot.
she felt warm gushes flowing out each time she moved.

mommy was wheeled back to the room.
daddy was waiting anxiously outside.
mommy gave daddy a huge smile, as she didnt want him to be worried
mommy felt good really, and not sick at all.

the nurses didnt want mommy to move in case she was giddy
so mommy laid there like a good girl and rested
although she could now no longer fall into a sleep

mommy laid there for 2 hours thinking about beecube

yes, they say mommy and daddy can always try again after 2-3 months. that it wouldnt affect our chances of having a healthy baby the next time round. mommy was relieved hearing that of course. but that would never replace you, beecube.

you were my first and will always be

mommy whispered to daddy that you were gone
daddy gave a sad smile and brought his palm to his heart
and said, 'it will always be here'.
it made mommy cry even more

if it meant nausea and feeling sick all the time, to ensure that beecube would grow up healthily, mommy would take on that anytime.
beecube gave mommy none of that and mommy appreciates it.

beecube, although you were not meant to stay
you taught mommy alot of new things she never knew

you were here to prepare mommy so that she will know how to better take care of herself so that she will be much more prepared to handle your younger sibling.

you were here to prepare mommy's womb to be ready for the next baby, although mommy and daddy would never have wanted to sacrifice you

your daddy loves you very much, and he is also very sad
mommy knows it although he is always the one trying to cheer mommy up. your daddy is the most wonderful man and father i will ever know.

it is a pity you will not get to know him even better. after all, you have only heard his voice and felt his touch when he strokes mommy's tummy.

mommy's tummy is now so much flatter. the bloatedness is gone.
mommy can now wear her regular clothings. it feels weird.
not to feel you in my tummy

mommy miss showing off proudly her round belly.
it feels so empty now.

beecube, mommy will be strong for you and for your little siblings to follow. although mommy is still shedding tears for you, she will be fine.

my little beecube will always remain in mommy's and daddy's hearts.