That was about all

that i have posted in my website. the entries got fewer and fewer and there were less and less to be really excited about anymore.

a part of me died when beecube gone into heaven..

another massive part of my soul died when my 2nd pregnancy failed .. AGAIN...

i didnt have the strength to write anymore.. it was just too painful.

the 2nd bub came and left swifly by end Mar 08. it was just 5 days after my period was due when the evil spotting came.

this time round, i didnt feel like seeing or hearing anyone pregnant, or visiting any babies in the hospital. the pain was too raw, hurts too deep.

there was bitterness.. there was insane jealousy...

'why me' constantly floods my head..

why did it happen, not once, but twice, to someone who values family, loves babies and wants to start a family badly.

why is it that there are people who smoke and drink themselves to death, had a million abortions and yet still be able to carry their babies to full term??

i dont know how to make this dull, throbbing ache go away...

today was a bad relapse... mebbe tomorrow will be better....